Change fights depression.

Times have been hard for me right through my years. Some of you may find it hard to understand. It’s not till I found Moving Forward and knowing that I’m not the only one alone and with problems to face. Problems with no one listening to you. It’s not easy, I know.

My problems started when I was about 7 years old. Some of you will guess. One or two of you already know. I had an evil stepfather (Dad) who was an alcoholic. He would come home everyday and beat my mum up if tea was not on the table, even though half the time she never knew when he was coming home. I would try and stick up for her (remember, I was only 7 years old). But then I got a slap or was locked in my room with no food. Then things started getting worse with him. After a while he would come into my room and start touching me and I was told me to keep quiet or he would kill me. This started every other night, then nightly. Yes, I told Mum but she did not believe me.

This carried on for a long time in my life. Yes, I was sexually abused and raped by him but in them days no one believed you. The beatings got worse. In the meantime I was sent to a residential school (boarding). I only went home at weekends. Was it any better? No it was not. There was more abuse at school. This happened for a number of years.

One thing I remember my stepfather saying was that he wished I had been a girl, not a boy. I did not know why at the time but now I do.

As time went by, things started calming down but the bad dreams started coming, and still do to this day. This led my mind to the point where I heard my stepfather saying ‘I wish you were a girl’. Well over the many years in my life I came to the conclusion that’s what I should have been. That’s why I have been dressing as a woman. It’s not been easy as, at first, I told no one about this until I met my second wife. She was very supportive of me for all the years I was with her. But then because of the split and things I started going down hill. I had nightmares. I was not able to talk to anyone. I was alone for many years. I stopped dressing for a while but the last couple of years started again. I have grown to it now and prefer to be dressed as a female. It’s been tough alone to be able to be who I am and want to be.

This is not easy for me, talking about this, but to be able to help others in the same situation I have to be able to stand up about myself. I have been beaten up, spat on and abused verbally. But no one will stop me being who I want to be.

There’s a lot more in my life, but that’s another day. Even my real dad and stepfather have disowned me as they can’t accept me dressing as a woman. It’s my life. I’m happy doing what I do. Sometimes I am down and lonely. I suppose that’s why I am here. If some of you don’t speak after you know this, that’s fine. I won’t hate you for it.

Sorry for being so long and taking up your time. It’s not easy. They say life is what you make it. Well sometimes that’s not the case as life can be tough when you can’t speak and be understood. Then it’s hard.

4 thoughts on “Change fights depression.

  1. You are very brave for sharing your story and it should remind us all not to judge others as we have no idea what their story is and what difficulties they might face. Personally I admire you, despite everything you have been through you have not only survived but also found the strength to be who you want to be. I wish you well and hope others can find both comfort and inspiration from your story. 💕

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    1. Thank you ever so much, Diane, for the kind comment it was hard writing but I knew I had to go through with it for me to move forward in life and help others but had to help myself first. yes am happy in whom I want to be it gives me the strength to carry on in life and to help others know that there are not alone makes me so happy

      Thank you again, Zara xx

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  2. Hi Guys,

    This story is so very inspiring and it would be so good if it had a wider audience. With that in mind, could I ask for permission to reproduce it in our newsletter.

    Perhaps if the author is agreeable we could sign off the article as “a Survivor” or whatever is agreeable to the author

    Kind Regards

    Saeed Butt
    User / Carer Link Liaison Project Worker

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    Bradford & Airedale Mental Health Advocacy Group
    First Floor, Tradeforce Building
    Cornwall Place
    Bradford
    BD8 7JT

    Tel: 01274 770 118
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    Email: saeed.butt@bamhag.co.uk
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