Whatever next?

It’s often different when it comes back, familiar symptoms and effects but with a different focus. This time it’s constant nervousness, brain freeze headaches preventing thoughts, numb tongue, aching jaws, no confidence and no belief that I can continue to work.

The very real physical disability stops planned activity because of poor visual perception, jelly legs & arms. The fatigue can be so intense that sleep is just seconds away most of the time.

Negative thinking? I’m not aware of any. It’s a feeling of fear that is driving the anxiety. The anxiety is pushing unneeded hormones through my veins. Neurotransmitters are not working well and thoughts don’t flow as they should. My cognitive abilities vary; sometimes I can code complex spreadsheets. Sometimes I really do not know what day it is and I find stringing words together as difficult as designing the most elusive algorithm. 

It’s robbing me of my life, my work, my friends and the activities that I know that I love…

…and sometimes when it’s bad for days you know why someone with less than you could take the ultimate step.

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