Real out of control fear due to permanent irrational anxiety. Constant anxiety due to fear, and repeat.
It’s not clear where it comes from especially when you are in a benign environment, in your own bed, or amongst friends and family. It makes you hyper-vigilant, ready for bear every waking second, ready for the next conflict, ready to fight or fly.It exhausts you, you yawn for air, your jaws ache from clenching in preparation for combat, your vision reduces to a fuzzy tunnel and your eyes ache. Splitting pain in the left temple. Eyes feel scrunched half shut, or possibly scrunched half open to fight the exhaustion. More yawning and watery eyes, sickening headache and face feeling congested. The telephone rings and lights flash around your murky vision tunnel.
Somebody speaks, and it’s the same effect. You try to speak and you hear inarticulate gibberish and stop. It’s embarrassing, it’s probably presumed that I’m stupid.
You are drowning in adrenaline and cortisol with your animal brain pushing your production of these hormones. You just want peace and quiet, a safe place, but you have to be where you don’t want to be. Where is that? Pretty much a where you happen to be!
You long for a magical knock out drop, to go to sleep, always wanting sleep, not wanting to be anywhere but asleep. I need to get away!
Then “Hey! How are you getting on?”
You, be honest, tell him the truth, but smile “I’m fine, how’s yourself?”
………………..and repeat every minute of every day of your miserable, fearful, anxious life…